Thank you for this piece. I'm 38 and still not sure if I want a child. Not only is there a new person asking me "when are you having a child" at every corner, but there are also a fair amount of people who have called me "incredibly selfish." It's good to know the guilt washes away with time...
I’ve never understood the “selfish” comments—hate that you have to hear those. Hang in there and yes, you will someday feel settled. We’ve never met, but I wholeheartedly support you! ❤️
A fabulous essay, Tina. Loved the college photo! Families come in all shapes and sizes, and everyone carries burdens that are no one else's business without prior invitation.
Great piece. I’ve faced very similar situations not having any kids. I have pretty severe medical complications and never saw myself having kids anyway. My sister in law has 5. My favorite replies to her asking us about having kids were “someone has to average out your 5” and “we’ll have kids as soon as we stop enjoying our free time and extra money”. I would like to look into fostering older kids in the future.
The "selfish" comment has never made sense. I (a mother of 3 who was on the fence about kids for the first DECADE of my marriage) think it's actually us "breeders" that are selfish - creating little creatures carrying our DNA into the world and putting a further burden on a planet that is already reaching capacity. Anytime someone utters this ignorant comment to you, just say, "Selfish? Like selfishly paying taxes so that other people's children can be educated? THAT kind of selfish?" Ugh - I hate people who butt in where they have no business.
I was 35 when our son was born. I never felt guilty about not having another child until the other day when he said he’d always wanted a sibling. Now he tells me. He’s 30. Oh, well!
I've learned a lot from this experience, for sure. I have a few close friends who have never wanted children and will likely never have them, and I support them more heartily than I would've before I had one. It's no one's business, and it takes a long time to shed the hurt and guilt that come with all the questions. MYOB is the knuckle tattoo I might get. That philosophy has helped me more than any other!
Excellent piece. Navigating other people’s nosiness / assumptions / demands about your body is a special kind of hell for partnered young women.
The ‘you’re pregnant!’ when you are nothing of the kind (and are sensitive about not being as slim as you were pre-baby) is one I had a few times. Ouch.
I like the self-knowledge and compassion you bring in, too, as you note a time when you, too, made an unwarranted assumption. Some beautiful humour too.
Thank you so much. It is a special kind of hell. I decided long ago to never ask a woman whether she was pregnant unless a baby was emerging from her body. Which, sadly, hasn't happened as much as I'd hoped.
Grandmothers and potential grandmothers can be the worst offenders. I'm going to have to duct-tape my mouth shut during my son's prime child-rearing years.
Great piece! I am working on not replying to people's invasive questions.
Also, he very well may be an uncle someday! People get married to other people/partner with people who have niblings! My Uncle Dan had no children with his first wife, and then he later married my aunt who had 5 children and now he is a grandfather as well. :D
Fully support the casual lie to silence the questions. My partner and I never talked about multiple children. We were both those, "Never will I ever" people until we met and realized we wanted a family of our own. So we had a baby, a daughter. Almost immediately after, I told my partner I felt whole and complete and content. I was happy. Two parents and one child meant my partner and I could support each other, give each other a break when needed. And I've told my daughter quite plainly that I'd be overwhelmed if I had more than one child. What's best for me is also what's best for my family. Because if I don't feel good, I can't be good for them.
Thank you Fallon, love hearing your story and the sound logic you use—which I try my hardest to remember. Reminds me of the classic magnet my grandma used to have on her fridge: "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"
This is excellent and so very relatable. I have one 16 year old amazing son (well as amazing as a teenager can be) and I’ve fielded so many questions over the years about when I was having another, feeling selfish, being made to feel like I was doing him harm but I know he was all I was ever meant to have. Nothing is missing in my life. I am almost 40 and seeking to be sterilised and this is not without its anxieties as I await my first appointment knowing I will be asked to justify my decision. Your essay made me feel less alone and understood. Thank you. X
Thank you so much for chiming in—and I love that phrasing: "he was all I was ever meant to have." I'm not a religious person, but have always wondered if there were some higher power that made it so hard to have a second that I gave up. Hoping your appointment goes well, tell 'em to fuck off from me if you they give you any trouble. xoxo
Children/reproduction...it's a tricky topic. I *never* raise it to anyone because you just do not know if people even had a choice in the number of children they have (or not). Ultimately, we don't control if/when/how we reproduce. I hate these kinds of invasive questions. There's too much faery tale, too much romanticization of getting pregnant and giving birth, etc. The entire task of reproduction can come with so much heartbreak. It's one of those things that I just don't think should be up for public commentary of the kind you describe here, where people just pepper you with questions point blank.
Agreed, and fairy tale is a great way to put it. Same with marriage and everything else people deem "official life events." Hopeful that this next generation of women faces less pressure 🤞
This was an excellent read.
“I’m never going to be an uncle.” Daaaammmn, grandma. That’s cold.
Thanks so much, Chris! Means a lot.
Thank you for this piece. I'm 38 and still not sure if I want a child. Not only is there a new person asking me "when are you having a child" at every corner, but there are also a fair amount of people who have called me "incredibly selfish." It's good to know the guilt washes away with time...
I’ve never understood the “selfish” comments—hate that you have to hear those. Hang in there and yes, you will someday feel settled. We’ve never met, but I wholeheartedly support you! ❤️
A fabulous essay, Tina. Loved the college photo! Families come in all shapes and sizes, and everyone carries burdens that are no one else's business without prior invitation.
Thank you! I *love* "no one else's business without prior invitation." So brilliantly put.
Great piece. I’ve faced very similar situations not having any kids. I have pretty severe medical complications and never saw myself having kids anyway. My sister in law has 5. My favorite replies to her asking us about having kids were “someone has to average out your 5” and “we’ll have kids as soon as we stop enjoying our free time and extra money”. I would like to look into fostering older kids in the future.
👏👏 Yes! These are perfect replies. Good for you!
The "selfish" comment has never made sense. I (a mother of 3 who was on the fence about kids for the first DECADE of my marriage) think it's actually us "breeders" that are selfish - creating little creatures carrying our DNA into the world and putting a further burden on a planet that is already reaching capacity. Anytime someone utters this ignorant comment to you, just say, "Selfish? Like selfishly paying taxes so that other people's children can be educated? THAT kind of selfish?" Ugh - I hate people who butt in where they have no business.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for chiming in. It is so nice to hear from a mother of three who supports parents of only children. Means a lot!
I was 35 when our son was born. I never felt guilty about not having another child until the other day when he said he’d always wanted a sibling. Now he tells me. He’s 30. Oh, well!
That's hilarious. He's jussssst a few decades late!
I still don't get why people think it is any of their dam business whether someone wants one child, ten children or none at all.
I've learned a lot from this experience, for sure. I have a few close friends who have never wanted children and will likely never have them, and I support them more heartily than I would've before I had one. It's no one's business, and it takes a long time to shed the hurt and guilt that come with all the questions. MYOB is the knuckle tattoo I might get. That philosophy has helped me more than any other!
Thanks for sharing this! (And that coworker who asked if you were pregnant deserves a fly in her coffee.)
Haha! What just hit me after reading this comment was that she had an only child herself. Is that irony?! Paging Alanis Morrissette…
Excellent piece. Navigating other people’s nosiness / assumptions / demands about your body is a special kind of hell for partnered young women.
The ‘you’re pregnant!’ when you are nothing of the kind (and are sensitive about not being as slim as you were pre-baby) is one I had a few times. Ouch.
I like the self-knowledge and compassion you bring in, too, as you note a time when you, too, made an unwarranted assumption. Some beautiful humour too.
Thank you so much. It is a special kind of hell. I decided long ago to never ask a woman whether she was pregnant unless a baby was emerging from her body. Which, sadly, hasn't happened as much as I'd hoped.
I had it from my mother, in the form of "is there something you'd like to tell us?"
Grandmothers and potential grandmothers can be the worst offenders. I'm going to have to duct-tape my mouth shut during my son's prime child-rearing years.
I’m so so glad you posted this piece. You are not alone! You and Paul did a damn fine job by the way.
Couldn't have done any of it without you and my other workshop queenz. ❤️
Such a good article.
Thank you, Russell! Means a lot.
Great piece! I am working on not replying to people's invasive questions.
Also, he very well may be an uncle someday! People get married to other people/partner with people who have niblings! My Uncle Dan had no children with his first wife, and then he later married my aunt who had 5 children and now he is a grandfather as well. :D
YOUR business. NOT theirs. Congratulations for doing what was right for YOU!
Ahh, thank you Jonathan. I love being congratulated for this—it is a g.d. achievement! I'll take it.
Fully support the casual lie to silence the questions. My partner and I never talked about multiple children. We were both those, "Never will I ever" people until we met and realized we wanted a family of our own. So we had a baby, a daughter. Almost immediately after, I told my partner I felt whole and complete and content. I was happy. Two parents and one child meant my partner and I could support each other, give each other a break when needed. And I've told my daughter quite plainly that I'd be overwhelmed if I had more than one child. What's best for me is also what's best for my family. Because if I don't feel good, I can't be good for them.
Thank you Fallon, love hearing your story and the sound logic you use—which I try my hardest to remember. Reminds me of the classic magnet my grandma used to have on her fridge: "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"
Become a rule breaker, Tina. It's better for you and the world. :)
Okay, fine: sometimes I end sentences with prepositions. That's the only rulebreaking I can deal with. (How's that?)
Haha. Stretch a little farther, sister. :) Rules were generally made by rich white men, tending to disservice women or peoples of color.
This is excellent and so very relatable. I have one 16 year old amazing son (well as amazing as a teenager can be) and I’ve fielded so many questions over the years about when I was having another, feeling selfish, being made to feel like I was doing him harm but I know he was all I was ever meant to have. Nothing is missing in my life. I am almost 40 and seeking to be sterilised and this is not without its anxieties as I await my first appointment knowing I will be asked to justify my decision. Your essay made me feel less alone and understood. Thank you. X
Thank you so much for chiming in—and I love that phrasing: "he was all I was ever meant to have." I'm not a religious person, but have always wondered if there were some higher power that made it so hard to have a second that I gave up. Hoping your appointment goes well, tell 'em to fuck off from me if you they give you any trouble. xoxo
Children/reproduction...it's a tricky topic. I *never* raise it to anyone because you just do not know if people even had a choice in the number of children they have (or not). Ultimately, we don't control if/when/how we reproduce. I hate these kinds of invasive questions. There's too much faery tale, too much romanticization of getting pregnant and giving birth, etc. The entire task of reproduction can come with so much heartbreak. It's one of those things that I just don't think should be up for public commentary of the kind you describe here, where people just pepper you with questions point blank.
Agreed, and fairy tale is a great way to put it. Same with marriage and everything else people deem "official life events." Hopeful that this next generation of women faces less pressure 🤞