I hoard funny tweets. And this year was chock full of them. Somehow, I managed to narrow them down to the 50.
Here they are, for your enjoyment. (If you’re sensitive to adult content, stop right here. You’ve been warned!)
50.
49.
48.
doctor: [handing me my newborn son]
me: he’s beautiful
baby: *starts crying*
me: ok he kind of sucks
47.
46.
45.
44.
43.
just opened the goodie bag from my dentist appointment 6 months ago and found a note that says there’s a guy in the back room with a gun
42.
41.
40.
[trying to insult a british person even though I know nothing about england] heard your mom is from Leeds
39.
38.
37.
Finishing having sex with a woman, putting my clothes back on and nervously asking her if she can help me tie my shoes
36.
35.
34.
33.
32.
31.
[holding newborn as the nurses stitch my wife back up, change her sheets, inject her with pain meds, explain she needs a transfusion bc she lost a lot of blood during the 37 hour labour] we should name him after me
30.
29.
28.
27.
(subtly sussing out whether a potential new friend has a pool) So what kind of stuff do you do at home? do you ever submerge yourself
26.
25.
24.
23.
22.
[having sex]
HIM: talk dirty to me
ME: I haven't showered in weeks
HIM: no, I mean--
ME: I made ice cubes out of hot dog water
21.
20.
19.
18.
17.
16.
Me: sometimes I’ll remember a thing I said four years ago and get so anxious 😣
My great grandpa: I killed sixteen people in WW2
15.
14.
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12.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
11.
10.
my problem with fuck marry kill is if i’m busy fucking and killing its not necessarily the best time to also plan a wedding
9.
When I was 8 I listened to hip hop for the first time and called my grandfather a sucka mc and he smashed my Xbox
8.
just got fired from my job at the sperm bank for asking the donors if they’re jerking hard or hardly jerking
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
I’ve been a doctor for twenty years, so I’ve pretty much seen it all, wieners, asses, jugs… you name it