Earlier this year, my accountability partner Megan threw out a challenge to me: "I want you to do stand-up by your birthday." Isn’t she awful? The way she pushes me to try new things? Megan Thee Worst, I might start calling her.
It terrified me. Stand-up had never been on my radar; I’ve only ever delivered jokes via greeting card. I’ve never had to witness crowd reactions, thank god. I can only imagine how many people have booed me in a CVS aisle!
Then I remembered: Hey numnuts, you wrote jokes for Chris Rock. Why not try this?
It was a career highlight. Hallmark wanted a collection of sound cards from a comedian and snagged him. Finding Hallmark-friendly jokes to pull from his stand-up, though, was a challenge. ("A man is only as faithful as his options." Happy Anniversary!) We decided to write original jokes in his voice, which he would then approve. As research, I went to see him perform in Chicago, and got to chat with him backstage afterward for a few minutes.
A few months later, I flew to New York to meet him at the studio where he was finishing up voicework for Madagascar 2. He had a free hour over lunch to record the jokes we’d written—after which, we’d add crowd sounds—and I was there to direct him LOLOLOL like I was going to say annnything. Can you imagine? Yeah, Chris? Gimme one that’s more "aisle of CVS," less "sold-out arena."
He was astounding—it took him all of 15 minutes to nail the dozen or so jokes. He was also super reserved, a total professional, and there’s no other word for it: nice. He remembered me from Chicago, saying, "You look different, did you get a haircut?" It was an incredible experience. I’m still gobsmacked.
Even with that long-ago experience, knowing I could at least write some stand-up, I was still petrified by Megan’s challenge. "You’re on!" I blurted out, surprising myself. (Ever accidentally shart yourself, but with confidence? It was like that.)
I got to work, but in typical me fashion, spent months and months overdoing it and blew way past the May deadline. I had the five minutes of material I needed, but I froze, too scared to try performing it.
Eventually, I took the baby step of running the material past my writing workshop, the most supportive little gang you can imagine. They badgered me to go to an open mic. Finally, I relented, but made it clear: I would go, but only to scout. Nothing else! Megan Thee agreed to join me, as did Amy, she of "one belt ahead" fame.
I knew I had to get past the crippling fear, but couldn’t figure out how. Then, a few days before the open mic, I was listening to Mike Birbiglia’s podcast when his guest, Jack Antonoff, said something that snapped me out of it:
"You have to dare to suck."
That’s it, I thought, I have to relax. Be okay with being bad. "I’m willing to suck," I said to myself, over and over. Silently, mind you! Would not recommend uttering that in public.
I decided: I wouldn’t just scout at this open mic. I’d get my ass on stage and suck. I wore circles into our back yard, pacing and rehearsing. I didn’t tell anyone ahead of time—not even my husband, figuring he already gets to not laugh at me every night—that I was going to perform. Too much pressure.
Somehow, I did it. Me and my wobbly little Bambi legs made it up to the stage and got through five minutes. And I think it went okay! I was a little discombobulated—the lights were blinding and made it nearly impossible to see faces.
Since I snarled NO PICS! all menacingly at Megan and Amy, you’ll have to make do with this one I took from the stage, which is definitely real:
The best part of the night was seeing how many other people there were willing to suck—many with notes in hand, their material still rough and unmemorized. Many of whom were visibly nervous.
While writing this, I did a deep dive on Chris Rock interviews and found a quote that makes me feel even better:
"Stand-up still makes me nervous. The nicest compliment I ever got was from Conan O'Brien: 'You know what I like about you? You're still smart enough to be scared.' He said a lot of big-name comics (are) overly confident, and they bomb. He said, 'I've got to dig them out of the hole they put themselves in.’"
I can’t say I’m dying to do stand-up again; I turn into the green-faced emoji just thinking about it. But I’m going to try anyway. Soon. I’m still dragging my feet, but I keep reminding myself: even the greats aren’t confident. Not even my bestie Chris!
They dare to suck. And so will I.
Input:
• How many yards are in a mile? Nobody knows
• A little rewatching: “Ohhh the weather outside is weather…”
• A little rereading: “…she had a darkness that seemed to stand beside her like an acquaintance that would not go away.”
• Loving these weekly comics about being a human from
• Both giving and not giving
• Time’s best inventions of 2023 (can vouch for this one)
• Hurrying, doing lines, and taunting my houseplants
• Finally:
What are you watching/reading/being a suspicious pig about?
You totally killed it. I should have taken my chances with the consequences and snapped a pic or two. You were a natural. You dared to suck and knocked it out of the park. Brava!
Megan told me you killed it, so I believe that crowd photo was 100% accurate.